1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position because I will have to come back to this job. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I will be unable to delete all the unread, emails you send me until I Return from holiday. Please be patient and your e-mail will be deleted In the order it was received.

3. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your Message.

4. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the Office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t receive any response at all.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

And the best one:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Margaret’ instead of ‘Phil’.